What you need to know about Sexual Consent
A Blog Post by and for people with disabilities
The information in this blog may make you feel empowered. You may also find it difficult to read and you may feel emotions such as sadness, anger or fear. These emotions are difficult for some people and that is okay. Please feel free to take a break from reading and take care of yourself if you need to.
We are writing a blog about consent because many people with intellectual and developmental disabilities like us don’t know WHAT consent means. People don’t know WHY they need to get or give consent. They don’t know WHEN to get or give consent. They don’t know HOW to get or give consent.
This blog will explain what the word consent means. You will learn how and when to get or give consent. And if something happens that you are not comfortable with, there are trusted people you can reach out to for help. You can get help from your local peer support and the national peer support network will provide resources at the end of the blog.
What is Consent?
The word consent means permission or agreement. So to give consent means to give permission, to allow, to okay, to agree or to go-ahead.
What is Sexual Consent?
Sexual consent is the most personal type of permission you can give between people to touch or perform a sexual act.
It is important to know the consent is for one time only AND you can always change your mind. If you don’t want to continue being sexual with someone, you have the right to stop at any time. Being sexual can include touching, kissing or having intercourse.
- If you give this special permission to somebody in the morning on one day, it doesn’t mean they have your permission to do the same thing another time.
- If you get this special permission from somebody in the morning on one day, it doesn’t mean you have their permission to do the same thing another time.
Consent is about respecting each other and both of your decisions. You can give and take back this special permission at any time. You decide what you want to do and when you want it.
If you don’t say “no” with your voice, you can say “no” with your body language and your actions towards the other person to indicate consent hasn’t been given. Consent is you feeling comfortable with what you are doing ALL the time.
Sexual consent must be clear
It is important that both people know what they are agreeing to. There are different ways to let someone know you have given consent. You could tell them with words and show them with actions. It gives the person clear information about your choices and boundaries.
Talk to each other
If you are getting consent from someone, ask questions. For example “I would like to kiss you, would you like that?”
If you are giving permission, tell them what it is you are agreeing to. For example “I would like to kiss but I do not want to do anything else.”
You have the right to expect the other person to respect your choices.
It’s good to check in with each other and let each other know how you’re feeling. If one of you is tense or uncomfortable, pause and ask each other how you’re feeling. You can stop and take a break. For example, if the person wants to do more than you are comfortable with, you can say something like: “I’d like to slow down” or “I want take a break” or “I want to stop”.
There are many ways to show someone you are not comfortable.
- Saying you are not comfortable
- Moving away
- Pushing back
- Stopping what is happening
- Freezing
What does consent mean to me?
Kecia Weller, Los Angeles, CA
I can make an informed decision if I want to be intimate or sexually active with someone. Consent is about boundaries: To me it means I can give consent to be sexually active with my body, when I say NO, I mean it! Boundaries – I have the right to be touched or held or not touched or held. I had a friend who always hugged me and I stressed to them not to hug or be close. If people don’t listen to how I feel and what I want, I feel violated.
Why consent is confusing to us
Patty Quatieri, Boston, MA
It is hard for me to give consent. I am afraid due to my disability people think I don’t understand. They don’t think I can make an informed decision about what I want. If I say NO, they ignore me and do what they want, they don’t listen.
James Meadours, San Antonio, TX
I came from a family that never expressed their feelings. I never showed affection with my family or had sex education either. People think we are easy targets because we never learned how to say NO. People think men can take care of themselves and don’t need help. I didn’t have the ability to give consent, I didn’t know what sexual assault was when it happened.
People don’t think people with intellectual and developmental disabilities can give consent or make decisions. They think we will say yes because we are lonely and isolated. People don’t think we can take care of ourselves. They think we need others to take control over us after a sexual assault.
People with disabilities need to have trainings on sex education and how to protect ourselves. We also need to learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Families, providers and allies can help by educating children with disabilities about relationships, sex and consent. They can learn how to recognize the signs and behaviors of a person who has been sexually assaulted.
Our experiences with consent
Patty Quatieri, Boston, MA
People assume because we have a disability we don’t need to know what sex means and how to give consent. They only see the disability. Too many people believed we can’t have an intimate relationship or get married. I didn’t have sex education because my parents wanted to protect me. My mother took me out of the sex education class. After I was assaulted, she was more overprotective.
Kecia Weller, Los Angeles, CA
No one told me what consent was or what it means to be in a sexual relationship. After I was sexually assaulted I learned that consent means that if I didn’t want to have sex, it was my right to say NO and the other person must respect my choice.
James Meadours, San Antonio, TX
No one taught me about consent. I never knew what it means to have a friend or intimate relationship with someone – and the difference. I learned about my rights about my body in our self-advocacy group. At our self-advocacy meetings we talked about healthy relationships. I didn’t have a relationship when I was younger. It is difficult to begin an intimate relationship, even today.
REMEMBER: People have the right to decide what they want and don’t want to do. Resources are available and appropriate aftercare services are important steps towards recovery. We shared a lot of information with you today and hope you will use the following resources.
Stronger Together – Building Partnerships Initiative https://mabuildingpartnershipsinitiative.com/stronger-together/
Stronger Together is a national movement to develop a vision and plan to address sexual violence against persons with a disability. Stronger Together is a collaboration between persons with disabilities, who are also survivors of sexual violence, and partner organizations from around the country.
IMPACT:Ability – https://triangle-inc.org/impactability
IMPACT:Ability is an evidence-based initiative that equips people and organizations through: Safety and Self-Advocacy Classes. People with disabilities work with our highly trained coaches to learn how to defend themselves. They use their voice and bodies to establish safe boundaries, discourage potential threats, and defend themselves in a moment of danger.
RAINN –rainn.org
The country’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
24 HOUR HOTLINE – 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) – FREE and CONFIDENTIAL
Talk About Sexual Violence (thearc.org)
Talk About Sexual Violence gives health care professionals the tools they need to have simple, direct, and honest conversations with their patients about an all too common experience faced by individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD) – sexual violence.
2021 Self-Advocate Resource Guide – CREATED BY PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES FOR PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES
Blog Post – Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2021